Many neurodivergent people – including those with ADHD or autism – grow up with a quiet, persistent feeling: being misunderstood.
Not in dramatic ways, but in small, repeated moments – being told you’re too sensitive, too emotional, too intense, too quiet, too direct, too distracted, or too complicated. You try to explain what’s happening inside, only to realise that others see something entirely different.
Over time, these repeated misunderstandings can create confusion and self-doubt. You start questioning your perceptions, your reactions, even your needs. You adjust, explain, and try to fit in, hoping that eventually, someone will truly understand.
Different Ways of Experiencing the World
People with ADHD, autism, or other neurodivergent traits often process the world differently. Communication may be more direct or reflective. Sensory environments may feel overwhelming or exhausting. Emotional experiences may feel intense, and navigating social situations can require conscious effort and energy.
These differences are not deficits – they are simply alternative ways of thinking, feeling, and interacting. But the world around us – schools, workplaces, healthcare, and social systems – is designed mostly around neurotypical norms. Differences are often misinterpreted as problems rather than valid variations in perception and processing.
The Double Empathy Problem
A key concept in understanding why misunderstandings happen is the double empathy problem, first described by Dr. Damian Milton. Miscommunication isn’t one-sided. People with autism, or other neurodivergent traits aren’t “lacking empathy”; rather, differences in perception, communication, and expectation between neurodivergent and neurotypical people can create a mutual gap in understanding.
When each side interprets the other’s behavior through their own lens, misunderstandings are almost inevitable. Recognizing this shifts the focus from supposed deficits to genuine differences in how minds experience the world.
When Misunderstanding Escalates
Repeated misunderstandings can become hurtful. Comments like:
“You’re overreacting.”
“You’re too emotional.”
“You just need to try harder.”
Even if unintentional, these interactions create self-doubt and erode trust in one’s own experience.
Medical and Professional Gaslighting
One of the most painful forms occurs in healthcare or professional settings. Neurodivergent adults, often seek support only to have their experiences minimized or misinterpreted. Symptoms might be attributed solely to stress, anxiety, or personality, while underlying neurodivergent traits remain unrecognized.
Emotional Impact and Regulation
Living with frequent misunderstanding affects identity, self-trust, and emotional regulation. Many develop coping strategies like masking, overexplaining, or suppressing needs. Others push themselves beyond their limits to meet expectations. This constant adaptation can result in anxiety, emotional exhaustion, and a feeling of invisibility.
For those with ADHD, autism, or AuDHD, regulating emotions in environments that feel mismatched to their needs can require enormous energy.
Understanding these patterns as natural responses – rather than personal failings – is a crucial step toward reclaiming self-trust.
Moving Toward Mutual Understanding
Awareness of different communication styles, sensory needs, and emotional processing helps create environments that support both neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals. Misunderstanding is rarely about wrongdoing – it often reflects a mismatch in perception.
Recognising this allows neurodivergent people to rebuild self-confidence and self-trust. Being misunderstood doesn’t mean you’re wrong; it often means the world simply hasn’t adapted to see you fully.
When context, communication, and support align, understanding becomes possible on both sides.
Chantal