Have you ever been told you’re “too sensitive” or that you “overreact”? Or maybe you’ve felt totally calm one minute, only to be completely overwhelmed the next – without knowing why.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many neurodivergent people experience emotions more intensely, and regulating those emotions can feel like navigating a storm without a map. Today, I want to talk about why that is and how understanding our nervous system, especially the idea of the window of tolerance, can make a huge difference.
What is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is your ability to manage and respond to your emotional experiences in a flexible and healthy way. It doesn’t mean suppressing feelings or always staying calm, it means being able to ride the emotional wave without drowning in it.
For neurotypical people, this skill can come more naturally. For neurodivergent people – like those with ADHD, autism, or both – it can take more effort, practice, and support.
Big Emotions and Neurodivergence
Neurodivergent brains often process emotions differently. Many of us feel things deeply. Joy can be euphoric. Frustration can feel unbearable. Shame can hit like a tidal wave. Our emotional experiences might be more intense, last longer, and be harder to shift out of.
Some reasons why emotional regulation is more difficult for neurodivergent people:
- Executive function differences: The brain areas involved in managing impulses and emotions work differently.
- Sensory sensitivities: Sensory overwhelm can trigger or amplify emotional responses.
- Social experiences: Feeling misunderstood, rejected, or judged adds layers of emotional pain.
- Rejection sensitivity: Especially common in ADHD, this can cause disproportionate emotional reactions to perceived criticism or exclusion.
This isn’t a flaw – it’s a neurological difference. But it can be exhausting and confusing, especially without the right tools or support.
Enter: The Window of Tolerance
The window of tolerance is a concept from neuroscience and trauma therapy that describes the zone where we feel safe, regulated, and able to function. Within this window, we can think clearly, manage emotions, and respond to the world effectively.
- When we go above our window, we move into hyperarousal – feeling anxious, angry, panicked, or overwhelmed.
- When we go below it, we enter hypoarousal – feeling numb, disconnected, frozen, or shut down.
Neurodivergent people often have a narrower window due to heightened sensitivity, past experiences of exclusion, and increased nervous system reactivity. That means we can be pushed outside of our window more easily – and once we’re there, it’s harder to come back.
So What Helps?
Understanding that this is neurological, not moral or personal, is the first step. You’re not “too much”. You’re not broken. Your brain just needs different kinds of support.
Here are a few things that can help widen your window and support emotional regulation:
- Self-awareness: Start noticing what pushes you out of your window and what helps you come back in.
- Co-regulation: Safe, calming relationships can help bring your nervous system back into balance.
- Routine and predictability: These reduce background stress, making it easier to regulate.
- Body-based tools: Deep breathing, movement, sensory breaks, or grounding techniques can calm the nervous system.
- Professional support: A coach, therapist, or occupational therapist can help tailor strategies to your unique needs.
You Are Not Alone
If emotional regulation feels like a constant battle, you are not failing. You’re working with a nervous system that was built differently and likely built for depth, intensity, and insight.
Learning to work with your brain instead of against it is a powerful act of self-compassion. And it starts with understanding that your big emotions are valid, your struggles are real, and support is possible.
Let’s talk more about it. Come as you are.
Chantal